The Mental Load of Parenting: Sleep Challenges and Solutions

Sleep is a significant challenge for new parents, often leading to exhaustion and stress as they navigate disrupted nights and the demands of caring for a newborn.
 
Natalie van Winckel is a dedicated and qualified early childhood educator and certified circle of security parent educator and discusses the impact of sleep deprivation on new parents and emphasises the importance of communication and support within partnerships.
 
 She highlights how understanding each other's experiences and managing the mental load can help alleviate some of the challenges faced during this period.

To find out more about how a better night's sleep can assist your overall health and wellbeing visit www.sleep.hif.com.au

Transcript

HIF INTRO:

HIF acknowledges the traditional owners and custodians of the land on which this podcast is produced. We pay our respects to Elders, past, present and emerging, and to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. The following episode contains general information and discussion about sleep treatments and advice and is intended for informational purposes.

Natalie Van Winkle Vox Pop:

But we also know that stress can affect the way we fall asleep and that can impact us all differently. So being able to have an understanding of that can just make it really easy when you are in the thick of parenting and you sort of need to put your hand up and say, hey, you know what? I'm really struggling today. Can you take the night shift?

Host: 

Hi everyone, I'm Kelly Petering and welcome to HIV's Sleep Easy podcast. Today we're speaking with Natalie Van Winkle. Natalie is a dedicated and qualified early childhood educator and certified circle of security parent educator with postgraduate qualifications in pre and postnatal family care and support. With a wealth of experience spanning over 20 years, Natalie has worked in a variety of early years education settings as well as early parenting centers. 

Natalie specializes in offering compassionate support to families as they navigate the delicate early years and beyond with their children. Her expertise lies in providing invaluable insights into understanding children's needs, cues, and capabilities. At Nourish Baby, she is the lead educator where she champions evidence-based approaches to nurturing healthy sleep patterns, fostering the wellbeing of both children and their parents. 

We all know sleep is essential and without it, we suffer. No one understands this more than new parents. 

Natalie, can you tell us about the changes most new parents face when it comes to their sleep? 

Natalie Van Winkle 

Oh, of course. So I think the big one that is pretty obvious is that all of a sudden we are thrown into not only getting to know a new little being, as well as healing from our birth experience and learning to feed that little one, but we're also faced with these disrupted nights. 

So the multiple wakeups overnight can be the biggest challenge initially. And when we're in that first little bubble, when we're just learning about our little one and everything else, it does seem to be okay and we can manage, but as the months sort of go along, that's when often we can really feel that sleep deprivation sort of creeping in and feeling that next level of exhaustion. So that's the big thing.

And as well, we're looking at each other in terms of our partnership and seeing how different we can be as parents because we're not always going to be on the same page or not even have the same similar experiences in terms of how we're going to parent. And so we're learning all that at the same time. 

So that's often a really huge scope in terms of how that impacts the way that we're going to parent and what can sort of affect that challenge when it comes to handling those sleepless nights.

Host: 

Completely agree. Um I'm I'm hearing you. 

Natalie Van Winkle 

I think we all we all feel like that at some point and it you know we do we it's never forever but when you're in the thick of just those huge challenges on those periods of sleepless nights it really does take a toll. So you know with all those new families and it really isn't just all new families either Kelly. Like these sort of disruptions can go on and you know, in and out of our lives, but our children, especially even for up to that first 12 years of life, can cause some type of disruptions for families. 

And it, you know, sometimes it's even just parents laying awake and thinking about the mental load of everything that is actually causing a disruption for the parent, but yeah, it really is a really, really tricky time. 

Host: 

So. yeah, I can Definitely relate my eight year old still sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night as well. So whether it's a nightmare or something like that just comes in and, you know, yeah, disruptive. Yeah, yes. Totally.

So that the HIF research suggests that that mental load that you just mentioned associated with parenting can can often fall heavily on new moms and subsequently they really bear the brunt of most of the sleep deprivation. 

What would be your take on this? 

Natalie Van Winkle

You know what, Kelly, we do see that in terms of our support that we offer. And we've been really lucky in terms of being able to support families from the get go. And often, you know, when we do our calls, and especially with like the Sleep Easy program that HIF offer.

We tend to be able to check in quite early with a family. And if they've sort of joined quite early, we are so lucky to be able to have that conversation with both parents on the phone. And that makes a huge difference in terms of getting the other parent to understand the mother's needs and be able to sort of look at it from somebody else's point of view. And, you know, if we can really have those conversations at a really early stage of becoming a parent, it can really support a mother, even with just that communication to say, hey, you know what, I'm a little bit overwhelmed. 

I can't think about your mom's birthday present this time, you know, in the next couple of months, that's on you. But sometimes it's even just having that conversation on top of mothering and learning your little one that can be really, really tricky. So partners understanding or just being able to step up and contribute and communicate and just take that load off. But yes, it does really bear heavily on the main caregiver. 

And I think as well with all the information that's out there, it can be pretty overwhelming. And at the end of the day, we all want to do the best that we can for our little one, and the best that we can for ourselves. 

So, you know, often, it is sometimes really hard to take away or really sort of your instinct or cue into your child when there is so much information there but dealing with that mental load that's when it can really heighten and I think when we're looking at helping and supporting especially a mother or the new a new parent is being able to provide them with that biggest skill of being able to switch off and rest so that they can actually feel like they can regroup and become a little bit, or become the person that they know again, because we do lose ourselves a little, I think, in this whole parenting journey at times. 

Host:

So yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I know, you know, when I had my first child, I feel like that overwhelm and yeah, that the mental load was incredible. And it wasn't something that I had expected. And I think when it comes to you being a new parent, I think often that's something that you, you don't know until you know.

Natalie Van Winkle 

Oh, that is so true. And I think that, you know, it nothing really prepares you for it. I don't think Kelly and I also don't think that, you know, even though we we hear, oh, you know, the sleep or there's so much focus on baby sleep and everything else, you really don't know how that's going to impact you until you're in it. 

Like, I don't think anything can really prepare you for it. And then, you know, on top of that we will have different family journeys. 

You know, everyone's quite unique in the way that their parenting journey begins. And often we will find that, you know, if there's different feeding that's happening, or we're doing scheduled feeding, or we're waking up to pump and everything else, that's like another job in itself. And that's when it can be really, really tough. 

So, you know, anything that we can do to even just be there to be used as a sounding board or just to check in and normalise a few things. It's just such a great relief for all the beautiful new families that we get to work with. 

Host:

Yeah, I actually remember before we had our first child, we rescued a kangaroo, a joey. Oh wow. So we thought, oh, this is going to be great practice. Waking up every three hours to feed this little joey.

Um, and it was great practice, but I tell you what, you can't always don't make a lot of noise. 

And I know some people talk about, you know, getting a puppy before they have kids is a bit of practice, but you know, nothing really does prepare you. 

Natalie Van Winkle

It is so true. And you know what, Kelly, you brought up a big point, and it's something that we hear all the time parents and especially mothers, they are biologically wired to really tune in with their little ones, okay. 

And so any little sounds that they make where it's often that parents and especially mums are they sort of stay on this really light state of sleep and so every sound that sort of happens, you're waking up and you're tuning into that and that can be really, really challenging and very tiring but no one also prepares you for how noisy little newborns can be. 

There's lots of grunting and wriggling and squirming. And even when we've got our three-year-olds having those vivid dreams and they're calling out and having a chat to themselves, you know, moms are up listening and that disruption can be really, really tricky. So very different to a little Joey. Yes, I agree. 

Host: 

So do you have any tips that can help rebalance the sleep equation, possibly even between moms and dads?

Natalie Van Winkle 

Yeah, definitely.

So one thing that's a really great start, I feel, and it's something that can happen before the birth of the baby, is to have a bit of an understanding of your own sleep needs. So we are all different people, and sometimes opposites attract, other times you're all very similar in terms of the way that you need sleep. 

But often we will find that they're in a partnership that there will be one that's a bit of a night owl, or somebody's a bit of a...an early morning riser, but we also know that stress can affect the way we fall asleep and that can impact us all differently. 

So being able to have an understanding of that can just make it really easy when you are in the thick of parenting and you sort of need to put your hand up and say, Hey, you know what? I'm really struggling today. 

Can you take the night shift? So helping do that sort of have a bit of an understanding sort of beingv support each other when you can and sort of almost have a little bit of an agreement that you know if dad's gone back to work and mum's finding it really hard that there's a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel where you know dad acknowledges that and says you know what on the weekend I'm taking bub for the you know or I'm going to take that toddler out to the park and you're just going to have a morning to rest and mum's it's rest and it's not going to clean the bathrooms or do bits and pieces, it's actually topping up your sleep bank. 

So really understanding that can help. 

The other thing that can really rebalance that sort of sleep equation is making sure that you're both actively involved in the evening routine of a child. So being on the same page with that, having a predictable or create a sort of a consistent wind down routine that both of you can be actively involved in, can be really, really beneficial. So that if one of you is sick or whatever happens, that the other one can really step in and just take on that whole pattern and be really fine and that little one will respond really well. 

So being able to do that. The other thing that can sort of rebalance that sleep between parents is also just making sure that your sleep space. So we talk about children's sleep spaces all the time and making them a safe sleep space and everything else. 

But when we're parents, it's vital to have our own beautiful, or create an environment that promotes that beautiful sleep, all that rest and that relaxation. So this might not be the time to have the television in the room and things like that because we really need to make sure that we sort of get an opportunity to transition into our own sleep space and be able to know that once we're in we're going to be focusing on that rest and restoring and it's not the time to have huge conversations about parenting and things like that. 

Mid Roll:

This episode of Sleep Easy with HIV is brought to you by the Health Insurance Fund of Australia. What if your health insurer gave you the freedom to choose? 

Host: 

What would you say are your top three must do's to help new parents with their sleep? 

Natalie Van Winkle 

That's a good one because it can really be challenging. You know, that's very different for... or all families, you know, and in terms of, and all parents. So in terms of that, the first one is the communication. 

Being able to really understand that, you know what, I just haven't got it in me today to get up at 3 a.m. and do the settle, you know, can you please jump in and do that? So that communication is huge. 

Like, you know, just being able to...be able to say that and know that you're going to be supported when it comes to that. The other thing is just being able to, we talk a lot about when we're focusing on children and especially when they've got, say that they're having a little bit of a challenge. 

So often those first years, three years of life, they're going through so many huge developmental changes.

So with that often there's going to be periods of unsettled sleep. And when that happens and we're working with our families, we're often we've got families that was like, oh, you know, we can't get them to sleep. It just doesn't, you know, it doesn't matter what we do. 

They're just not going off to sleep. And when that happens, sometimes we all will say, we'll take away the focus of actually the sleep part and get them to work on the wind down part and the quiet time and the pre-bed routine. So that's a must do for parents as well, is actually focusing on that pre-bedtime rhythm wind down and how we can sort of set that up to be conducive to sleep. 

So that looks different for every family but it could be simple as having some screen you know screen free time or putting your phone onto night time mode so we're eliminating that blue light or just having like a little bit of a bedtime ritual which might be a cup of tea and a few pages of a book. 

You know those type of things but that's that can really just support those little ones or those families and parents to be able to get that sleep when they can. And the other sort of tip that I would say is when you get those opportunities to rest, take them, especially in those early days. 

But we do put a lot of emphasis on the early days, but believe me, even when we're doing the kinder run and we're doing the school drop-offs and things like that, it does take its toll. 

So accept those offers for help when you can.

When you've got the opportunity to be able to have some extended rest, especially if you've had challenging nights, try and do it. 

It's not easy for a lot of families or parents to sleep when the baby sleeps, especially when you've got lots of children and things like that. 

And some parents just can't, they just don't, no matter how much they want to, sometimes they find it really hard to actually sleep in the day. So take your pressure off the actual falling asleep and just take that opportunity to rest. 

So that rest and that downtime will actually promote a healthier sleep overnight. The other fourth tip that I would give would be that try and get those hours of sleep before midnight, if you can. 

So the sleep before midnight is really for repairing and restoring.

So that's where, you know, especially for new parents or if you've come off a whole, like we have over winter, a whole period of sickness, just being able to get some hours under your belt of sleep before the hours of midnight can be really beneficial to the way that you feel. 

Host: 

So many great tips. I'm definitely taking those on board. Yeah.

Thank you so much for sharing your expertise. Is there anything else that you would like to add at this point, anything that you think is really important for the listeners to hear? 

Natalie Van Winkle 

You know, when we're talking about the sleep and there's so much information, like I was saying, Kelly, I think the big thing that I'd love everyone to sort of go back into and sort of tune into if they can is know that you guys know your baby the best or you know your little person the best. 

So even though sometimes there'll be that element of doubt and you'll really second guess everything that you're doing, trust yourself, okay, use that gut instinct because you definitely know that little one the best. 

And that's the same with your needs. So in terms of the sleep that you need or the rest or the downtime, you know, take that guilt away. If you just need a day where, you know, that lounge room does not get tidied. 

All those toys are all over the place and it's just one of those days where that's a tomorrow problem. Let it be a tomorrow problem. But trust your gut. Trust your instinct. And also that importance of just queuing into your little one. 

So yes we've got all our guidelines and our advice and the awake windows but what is your little one showing you? What are the cues that they show? You know if we can get back to those basics and look at the cues that our little ones show us that can often really support our confidence and also then in turn lead to a well-rested family. 

I like what you said earlier, you know, this is temporary. No, it definitely is, but believe me, you know, and you'll just get over it and then bam, you've got teenagers and you're awake, worrying about other things. So it's just the way it is. Welcome to the world of parenting. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't stop.

Host: 

Well, it's been such a pleasure to talk with you, Natalie, and I know the listeners will gain so much insight from this podcast. Thank you for being on and I'm sure that your contact details will be in the show notes as well so people can reach out to you. 

Natalie Van Winkle 

Oh, thanks, Kelly. No, thanks for having us on. We really love being able to check in with all the wonderful families that we do through HIV and the sleep easy program. 

But yeah, feel free to sort of reach out as you need. And yeah, I hope to be on again at another time. Thanks, Kelly. 

End Roll: 

The content provided on this podcast is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have any sleep-related concerns or questions, we encourage you to seek advice from a licensed healthcare professional or sleep specialist based on your specific circumstances.